Ash VS The Army of Darkness
by Lolita Ex Mortis
Summary: After About two years of slaying demons at the cabin ash now finds himself in the dark ages facing undead armies to return to the precent.
1. Prologue

Every other has it's own way of a beginning where it starts out being great at first

until it gets fucked up My' Ash Williams & I once worked at the local S-Mart during my

collage years where I met the slitty gorgeous Linda who worked as crasher at the

checkout

who later became my girlfriends one fall me her my sister Cheryl & our friends Shally &

Scotty

where taking a vacation in the mountains in Tennessee where we stayed at a cabin where

we would

celebrated our years of friendship until I found a creepy book & a recording as we played

it a university

professor by the name of Raymond Knowby had discover the Necronomicon ex Mortis

rupply translated as book of the dead in a castle in England with his wife daughter &

Partner where he & His wife by the name of Henrietta were standing at the camping once

until he read the passage that unleashed a unholy evil possessed her & later all my

friends

including sweetheart linda one year later when Annie Knowby & Ed arrived with several

Other guests same thing happen but this time we manage to rid the evil by drawing it

into a vortex which I later got studied in ending up in the now darked England where i

was captured & enslaved.


	2. Chapter 1 The Pit of Horrors

One evening where Henry the red wad taking me to his place lord Arthur &

his men arrived. I was standing in front of him as he gets off his horse who he

threatens to have my head for working with henry so I punched him in the face

Look pal I said you made be nobleman but you don't know who your dealing with

until his soldiers grave & putt me in chains later he thanks us miles across the

desert to his king where people including children start beating & booing at me

one of which was seamstress & serving woman by the name of Sheila who was

beautiful just as a princess was excuse me my lord Arthur she said any news of

my brother dear Sheila he replied I'm very afraid that your brother has falling into

battle & had not survived she was then very angry at us for who she blame for his

death as we stop they show us a pit where disfigured deadites lurked. They take one

of Henry's men to throw into it which moments later red blood springed out like a

Water hose until one escapes as lord Arthur takes out his crossbow to shot him in

the back killing him. I was pushed & taken near the pit next which I tried to tell henry

them about men which he laugh instead as I am about fall into the pit Sheila throws

a rock at me knocking me into it I land in cool slimy water where there was nothing but

mesh & spikes at first until a pit witch jumps out scaring the fuck out of me punching me

to death I was defenseless at first until Arthur's wiseman throws don't the chainsaw.I use

a decent weapon at last to dismembered the deadite as crimson blood splatters out as

the spikes were activated while I was fighting her a grotesque sexless monster comes out

of the messy walls which I sliced it's hand off I than see a chain going up I grab my belt

wrapping it around as the pit bitch monster tries to pull me until I manage to go up

breaking break with the spikes crushing it everyone was in the crowd was watching till

i got up there as I set Duke Henry & his men free. Arthur was not pleased taking out his

finest blade which I shot & broke with my gun alright you primitive screw heads I

shouted see this this is my BOMBSTICK! A fine long shotgun/riffle made in Michigan

has a two sided length holds up to 4 to 5 rounds of ammo shop mart shop S-mart

now you apes better stay back if you don't want to get hurt YOU GOT THAT! Everyone

nods if any one of you apes touches me when I first started talking another one of those

genderless monsters makes it out of the pit which I shot at landed by in it as of now I

need to figure out a way back to the present.

 **I Would like to apologize if chapter 1 was way too long for yeah I had such**

 **much though when I saw the movie.**


	3. Chapter 2 The Blind Witch

It was night later on with me standing in a shed inside the castle walls.

Sheila was there walking up to me dear swordsman she said I made this

for you Huh I replied sarcastically I always wanted a horse blanket afterwards

she slaps me walking out as I give her complement how fine she is give me some

sugar baby I said as we sleep with each over for the night making out butt naked

Under some warm sheets by the fading candlelight the next night I sit upon a

throne like sit after everybody nows see me as a hero where two serving wenches

feed me with delicious turkey legs. The Wiseman comes up telling me that the

evils from the book of the dead can only be destroyed if I retrieve it myself saying

3 magic words which afterwards he can seen me back home to my own time uh uh old

man I said that was not part of the deal I afraid it is chosen one he replied look I replied

back I don't want your bullshit I don't I your nonsense just send me back to my own

fucking timeline today pronto chop I stope there where the castle seer's pot was

leaking as she turns around revealing to have a reddish wrinkled face with ivory blind

eyes you shall DIE! She yelled you shall never tame the Necronomicon we shall feast

upon your SOULLLLLLLL! Than drops to the ground after floating as Lord Arthur

approches her about to touch till I grab his hand telling him to get a axe till she rises

up attacking him loading everyone to exits the room except a few a knight tries to

behead her until she blinds him with cauldron water with the blacksmith now about to

kill her which he gets knock to the ground about to be boiled to death with the hot water

than I take my broomstick shooting it off her saying she's a she bitch as I hit & shoot the

hag till I deliver the final bloom with one last shot as tomorrow was the day of my quest

i build a mechanical arm I made with a gauntlet & powerful wires.


	4. Chapter 3 A Dangerous Journey

It was daylight 2 PM on a Friday afternoon as I prepare for not a

frat party or a evening dip in the pool but a quest even for a first to me

which was odd doing something like this near a weekend but what the hell

it was all brave heroes did in the 14th century I guess so yeah it's what I'm

doing. I was exploring the town before I headed off noticing how edgy but regal

the kingdom was walking on the streets I notice beggars merchants psychics

even hot women from brothels for now I am experiencing the adventurous

care free life of a medieval warrior. Sheila was where I am about to head to

with a gorgeous blond with big hair & breast covered by a cloak which Sheila was

telling her even though I'm just a jackass from the future there is quite much potential

in me somehow. I walked to the stables where I Unnesssarially saw horses taking a shit

which was just sick even with the foul smell of the other animals as I get on my very own

trusty stead I think to myself what have I gotten into just from going to surviving in a

cabin in Tennessee to slaying monsters in a war between two kingdoms existing the

castle I pass the peasant houses outsides the gates to the rocky sand corners of the

planes. Duke Henry Arthur's rival exactly sure does have some tricks up his sleeve when

being at war with a another kingdom as one of his men throws a net at me while riding

Henry stops him afterwords telling him I'm the one who save him Ash he ask who are

you allies with anyways Arthur or me Look Reddzy I replied with me being transported

from the 1990s to the 1300s I however have no sides that I'm on therefore I don't

Budder being some kind of goodie goodie or even a alcoholic wild man so I choice to

follow my own path thus making a third opinion which has anybody on my side

technically afterwards I ride off heading to the spooky woods as the suns begins to set.


	5. Chapter 4 The Temple Ruins

Duke henry was a great person well for me but I got to

say the guy's got more drinking problems than any other

sleazy monarch like thank sweet god he has't gotten this

close to death Yet. I continue to ride down the planes thinking

how the ginger feels about me siding with neither side with

both kingdoms at war with each other & the fact that I'm

involve is just fucking crazy. A bit of a sandstorm starts to

develop knocking me off my horse as I try to find him but

end up getting a little lost at first till I tumble upon the ruins

of a ancient temple which I begin entering the inside head no

roof or windows just a destroyed place of worship with broken

pillars & cracked floors I feel like I was being watch until two

yellowed hair like figure jump at me with the other disappearing

afterwards one of which was the blonde chick Sheila was talking

to earlier revealing to be one of two daughters of the deadite witch

or as I like to say she bitch you have slay my mother bug she yelled

now you she'll join her in The eternal fires of hell in a meter of seconds

she transformed into a less crone like appearance with bleached skin

hair & demonic black eyes coming at me like a bat causing the pillars to get

knocked over like dominos as I push her into a falling one taking a axe I found

& beheading her which I kick her lifeless head like a soccer ball.


	6. Chapter 5 Holes

With she bitch Jr gone I begin to leave along with somebody watching me

i at last find my horse who more like found me starting to head off to the

woods while continuing I notice a dead end at a empty pit like hill so

what I did was took some rope tie it around a broken bridge & manage

to make a entrance first I had to taste it until it broke with me falling

into some dirt than landing into some holes in some caverns with me

now alone in the dark. I begin to light a broken plank & some torn

fabric finding a way out as I stumble upon some spiders maggots &

other creepy crawlers until I was grab by something with it's big

deformed arms ogres big cannibal like deadites preparing me for

a nice tasty dinner Let us eat this fine warrior ogre #3 said along

with some juicy carrots & gravy you say it boss ogre #1 said

& in my mom's antique cauldron. I broke free splitting one

in half impaling another with my chainsaw & finally knocking their

leader into the other mother's pot boiling to death in light green blood

as I head out a big St. Bernard like demon dog try to attack me being

chain up until I take a giant rock telling him to shut up as I kill him

i found a hole to the surface having to crawl up it with infested bugs

making it to the other side with for some strange reason my horse made

it as well.

 **The Demon dog's appearance is a little reference I did from**

 **the Hellhounds from Percy Jackson.**


	7. Chapter 6 The Haunted Forest

Finally at last just going from leaving a castle to fighting more

monsters & to the woods where I might even fight more monsters

as well in my mind in like fuck it but nah I do not have a choice for

it's the only way to get back home. I make it into the woods where

there was mostly birds & such but looks don't fool people as I hear

a ghostly noise two minutes later a kandarian demon chases me but

ends up possessing the animals along with breaking down some trees

as well I ride fast as possible until I head inside a shed next to a windmill

with the creature trying to break the door down until he gave up & Disappear

as I go outside but than my iron hand somehow became possessed running to

the windmill to boil it in some hot water stopping it. I head back outside where

the face of the spirit return running inside I hit a mirror breaking it like talk about

7 years bad luck maybe not since I'll be returning to the present than out of the shards

little versions of me come out poking & trying to stab from with Pointed objects but kill

two of them knocking one into the fireplace & impaling the other with a fork afterwards

they knock me into a burning blacksmith table using one of the tools to get my face

free as now I'm very pissed off at them singing london bridge is falling down in a

very comedic way while I step in a rusted nail later I get knocked out once more

finding that I'm tie up by the little suckers in a galliver's travels like way until one of

them dives into my mouth while the others force open it as I break free at last with the

little bastard wiggling in my intestines there was a tea pot full of hot water as I use it to

kill him by drinking it my body starts burning up sweating like crazy until I found a eye

growing on my shoulder later turning into a second head which drags me into the forest

separating at last who the fuck are you I ask I'm bad ash he said & your good ash

dancing in a very immature way which I shoot him in the nose taking my chainsaw

killing him & Burying him afterwards.


	8. Chapter 7 Three Books of The Dead

At long last I make it to the cemetery after fighting a witch's daughter

surviving in creepy caverns running from a kandarian demon & Facing

my evil twin I make it at last to where the Necronomion is heading up

a hill getting a creepy vibe from this place. I make it up top only to find

three book instead of just one like seriously three the wiseman only tole

me one but anyways I focus on one at a time the first one bites me as I

throw it off only to come back napping on my nose which stops than for

them second after I open it a small vortex opens grotesquely stretching

my skin as I get suck in for about a minute until I make it off at last with

my entire jaw pull down as I shake it off to return back to normals. I knew

that I had a feeling that the one at the very top that is in front of me was

what I was looking for as I open it I try my best to remember the words which

i did for a second only to Coff while about to say the third magic word moments

later the ground begins to shake with the skies thunder & grave stone flying into

thin air as I realize I made a huge mistake awaking the armies of the undead to

feast upon the souls of living mortals. Bad Ash was however resurrected as well with

his disfigured mouth showing only the lower gum & his eyes all demonically undead with

rage as he now wants revenge I just took the book trying to exit the graveyard not be

fore skeleton hands grab me hitting me & sticking their middle fingers up my nose so I

smash them with my iron hand than chainsaw as I ride super fast back to lord Arthur's

castle making it to the inside at last.


	9. Chapter 8 Deadites Took My Girlfriend

With me back in the castle everyone congratulates me on retrieving the book

when the wise man comes up to me asking ash have you got the book which

I replied yes did you say the words he also ask well I replied maybe I did not

say every single one but at least I try. Ash you fool when you did not say the

three words the army of the dead awake you see that wiseman Arthur yelled I

known this barbarian was not the one & to think a hero from the future like him

would save all of humanity from the forces of evil now you listen all of you I shouted

i did my part of getting the god dame book after going from all things horrific & dangeru

s now I wish to go back home if I like but ash Sheila said I know you can still help us

no matter how idiotic you are I mean what about the those sweet words you said

baby I replied that's just some sweet talk that is very common in my time so nothing

else I say Your a worthless man after all she cry not before guards spot three flying

deadites of fat skinny & average size coming at us I use my boom stick to wound one

than beheading it than stabbing the other down with spear but the last one survives

capturing Sheila screaming in terror as I shout to her trying to get her back. Sheila is

than brought to the cemetery where I just was as Bad Ash takes down her top & kisses

her making Sheila his evil queen/bride but the deadites have also captured several other

topless women as well meanwhile back at the castle with everybody hating me I deciding

not to give up everyone listen I shouted even thought we might all think we will be doom

i realize now I should think about others than just me but what I'm trying to say is we

can't give up how are we going to fight a entire army of the undead a soldier said maybe

not with skills traditionally I may be not the best knight ever but as a man from the

future who has been fighting ever almost his entire life I promise I can she you all the

ways of what chosen one can do now who's with me moments later one or three people

agree than three more & than the entire kingdom along with Arthur himself.


	10. Chapter 9 Arts of The Chosen One

We prepare to face the undead within the next 7 days as I teach soldiers of using

spears for close combat when the deadites enter the gates & I get my old chemistry

books to show them how to make gunpowder which I'm assuming that I'm the one who

invented it now however with my automobile manual me the blacksmith & other Soldiers

build a powerful upgraded version of my delta which I will tell you about a little later

but anyways with all this stuff being prepare I ride down to Duke Henry's kingdom at

last it was not as minimal as Arthur a lot nicer for a drunken ruler's place.

I enter the gates where the inside was lots of buildings with much cleaner people

as I head to the palace I see Henry's throne room that look like it was inspired by

many cultures from around the world with him on his throne with a lot of women

Ash he shouted I'm glad you decided to stay at my kingdom now that Arthur's is doom

to survive yeah about that I said you see I been training the people how to fight against

a zombie army so I figured seen it was a big army against a even bigger army oh no no

no no no no no he replied you want me & my men to get involve look ginger I said you

& the other guy might be at war right now but at the moment we are in a much bigger

one so uh huh we need your help a lot alright than he replied cutting the night we fight.


	11. Chapter 10 Mortals VS Deadites

Tonight was the night we face the forces of darkness Duke Henry had

the civilians taken to his place where they would be very safe as the

Archers keep watch the undead Begins to ride over about ready to storm

the castle on top the a hill stood Bad Evil with a few commanders & besides

him was a mysterious woman in a long crimson flowy dress with a veil covering

most of her eyes as she takes it off it is reveal to be Sheila now a hideous creature

of the night & therefore Bad Ash's Consort. I get ready to fight back once they break

through marching in the very front were undead with shields & helmets shooting

we're going to storm the castle in unison as the deadites at very close I signal the

Bowmen to fire shooting flaming arrows of gunpowder blowing up the skeletons

not before ones with crossbows shoot at some of them with the following finally breaking

through afterwards the men with the spears whack them to the grounds for close

Defense. Duke Henry's men later appeared riding fast across the outside when a

deadite general who seems like he was about to stab him not before henry himself does

first. I at last bring out the big guns with my now upgraded delta/combat mobile

bursting out of the shed shredding dozens of deadites until there in the front of where

my vehicle was heading Sheila appearing in her human form with a long shawl like cape

as if she trying to seduce me afterwards I jump with the delta landing on some Skeletons

. I fight off other soldiers as well with my undead lover trying to impale me with her

spear until I knock her into the pit which she later gets out of.


	12. Chapter 11 Good Ash VS Bad Ash

I make it to the top of the watch out where I continue to battle as much

evil as I can slaying yet another deadite general Arthur still manages to

live after some arrows & shit thrush into his body but he was't going to

give up that easily with his trusted men now dead. Sheila appears one more

time attacking me as I have to kill yet another fine hottie you found me beautiful

once she said baby you got real ugly I replied impaling her with her spear throwing

the bitch of the top to the ground now it was me face to face with my evil clone who

we fight for like 15 minutes stabbing hitting & burning him but nothing seem to work

at first as he now appears as just one of the boneheads I been beaten the crap out of

I jump down to the ground seeing a katterfolt with a bag fill with gunpowder with the

big bad landing on it he somehow mange to get the book we were guarding as I slice off

his hand that was holding it along with the rope to the device too with him flying than

literally exploding in the air. The deadites retreat as the mortal have one the entire battle

for the book of the dead Sheila I thought was gone had return to normal somehow

Henry & Arthur hugged it out in the end with the peace of both of their kingdoms. The

wiseman show me the one way to return back to the present a potion which all I had

to do was take six drops of it as they would Block a gave with me & my car but the thing

i was going to miss of all was Sheila we did not have many interactions but we had quite

alot in common for some reason as I would say farewell to her with me making it back to

my own timeline in the mid 1990s.


	13. Epilogue

I though about staying but my place is here they offer me to teach them

& lead them to be king with me now at home I got my old job back at S mart

in the Tennessee town of Dearborn where I am show if you did't notice taking to

my coworker Uh huh he said with me telling him that I drunk the juice said the words

& here I am did you say the words right this time he ask well I replied maybe I did not

say every singles syllable but I said them I go back to work until this strawberry blonde

girl would I now work with by the name of Jenny stood there telling me how cute in a

positive way of how my story was than a hollowing wind appeared & behind us was the

Second daughter of the deadite witch disguise as a ordinary looking costumer in a

white poet shirt & ankle length pants about to attack jenny with a torn out cash register

until I grab a ruffle with the hunting department shooting it out of her hands lady I'm

going to have to ask you to leave the store I shouted who the hell are you she ask as

if she did not fully recognize me with my medieval clothing I shoot at her multiple times

as she yelled I'LL SWOLLEN YOUR SOUL with me against she bitch Jr 2 I finish her off at

last with one final blow sure I could have stay & me king but in my own way I am king

hall to the king baby.

 **Hope you enjoyed my next main stories are going to be based off of**

 **the games hail to the king & fistful of boomstick**


End file.
